So I have these two teeny, tiny problems: a) I could cruise through school with A’s and B’s never having learned how to study and have now built it into this Big Scary Thing in my mind, and b) I’m terrified of academic assessment, especially essays. Normally I could get by with just being deeply if more-or-less silently ashamed of these facts, but my deferment is up now and I can’t fuck up another semester so shit is getting sorted. This started with the psychological help I began getting some time back and is being continued with getting my nervous, kind of rabbit-y thoughts out in writing. I think a big part of my fear stems from the belief that I don’t have any opinions worth stating, which is why this is going out into the world on a publicly accessible page – it’s an extra kick out at all the negative self-talk. It probably seems silly, but I think it’ll help.
One of the courses I’ve signed up for is UQ’s standard-issue intro to contemporary literature. The assessment doesn’t seem *too* scary, with several smallish essays and only one big (35%) one. The first text is Atonement by Ian McEwan; so far I’m about five chapters in and finding Briony’s sections kind of irritating. Sure, it’s a different time and she’s only thirteen and all but the kid grates on my nerves. To be honest, it’s definitely not a book I would have picked up on my own. I’m finding it a little strange in that it’s not exactly hard to get through, but it is boring; five chapters seems a long time to wait for anything interesting to happen. Maybe that’s deliberate, a comment on what Briony’s life is like. It all just feels so… grey, I think fits best. Dull. Bleh. Eh, maybe it’ll pick up. I haven’t seen the movie yet so at least it’s pretty much unspoiled.
7:00am now and no sleep for Shanny, so I guess I’d better sign off. Not allowed to dwell and beat myself up over less-than-perfect or even less-than-good writing, just meant to acknowledge that getting anything typed, let alone hitting Publish on it is, at the moment, kind of a big deal. So, uh, I guess go me!
Shannon, Queen of Self Deprecation